Remarkable Resilience

How to Sabotage Resilience: Adopt the Victim Mentality

Yesterday, I was doing disaster mental health work in an evacuation center following Hurricane Gustav.  I love providing encouragement and support to those displaced and volunteer staff, especially in light of the lingering angst following Hurricane Katrina experiences.

I was struck, however, by one woman who was sure to continue the unhealthy and destructive lifestyle she undoubtedly had before she ever came to this shelter.  She had made her way from one volunteer worker to another, one law enforcement person to another, one National Guard person to another.  Her themes: a long tale of "bad luck," all laced with what someone else did to make her life miserable; demands on staff to do unreasonable things for her (transport her here and there across several counties to take care of personal business);  accusations that we were not using the resources we had to solve the problems in her life; refusal of legitimate help offered to her; and more accusations that we just didn't care and were not doing enough. 

I tried patiently to hear her story (as several had before I arrived), to help her understand what we could do and what we couldn't, and to help her do some personal problem solving.  She gave evidence with every "yes but" that she had no intention of doing anything for herself.  Unfortunately, this apparently was the pattern of her life.

One of the quickest ways to sabotage recovery of any kind is to think like a victim.  Victims:

1.  complain more than they act;

2.  host constant pity parties;

3.  believe someone else is always to blame;

4.  expect someone else to change.

In my book, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me," I detail more about the downsides of becoming a chronic victim.  Yes, many are victimized - by life, by others - but "being a victim" is a different matter entirely.  "Victims" are guaranteed to stay stuck in a destructive lifestyle - and they burn out those who are trying to help them.

A healthier choice is "Responsibility,"  defined as:

doing all you can, with all you have, where you are right now.

Be careful! Don't let yourself slide into the victim mentality.  Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances, look for the little things you can do now to take baby steps forward.

The other day, I heard a quote I really like:

Faith can move mountains; but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel!

And may I add - sometimes He hands you a teaspoon!

What do you think?

Dr. Bev Smallwood

Not Again! (Preparing for Gustav)

Preparing for Gustav

Beverly Smallwood, Ph.D., Psychologist

Author, This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me

When people have been through the trauma of one hurricane, their nerves are much more frayed when confronted with the possibility of a repeat experience.  To make matters worse, this potential hurricane comes around the anniversary of Katrina – a time which already can trigger anxiety memories. All of the fears and troubles they experienced last time around rise to the surface.  Yes, they may be more likely to prepare, as experience makes denial more difficult.  At the same time, they may be more likely to imagine the worst.

The key is to turn the anxiety into action.   Here are five tips to keep the mental anxiety from being disruptive.

1. Recognize what you can control and what you can’t.

That feeling of powerlessness is one of the most difficult parts of viewing the reports of an approaching hurricane.  Get to work on what you can control – getting ready for what might happen – and you’ll feel more energized.

2. Understand that feelings are not facts.

Just because you have a bad feeling about this, that’s not a sign that you have precognition or intuition.  It may mean that you have had a scary experience before, and these possible impending events have triggered those old emotional reactions. 

3. Prepare, but don’t panic.

Methodically go down that list of hurricane preparedness steps, doing all you can to ensure the safety of your family, your business, and you.  There’s something about checking things off a list that is a panic repellent.

4. Make a “team” plan.

Take into account the options your family has, along with your loved ones’ needs and preferences.  Get input and support from people in your network of relatives and friends.  Agree on a plan, inform all concerned, and help each person to understand his or her role.

5. Use your past hurricane experience as a source of knowledge as well as a comfort about your ability to weather storms.

Past storm experience can be a blessing.  It’s an asset to know more about what to expect.  You survived the monster Katrina.  Yes, it was stressful, expensive, and quite scary.  But you made it, and you’ve either recovered or are well on your way.  You have the resilience to make it through this or another one; you’ve proven that.  Our community and so many others demonstrated after Katrina that we are here for each other – not just for ourselves.  Call you your faith – your faith in God, your faith your community, and your faith in yourself and those closest to you. You will make it this time, too!

See It with Fresh Eyes

SEE IT WITH FRESH EYES

Bev Smallwood, Ph.D.

I’ve just returned from the exciting convention of the National Speakers Association in New York, an annual pilgrimage I make to spend wonderful time with my speaker friends and colleagues, to sharpen my speaking skills, and to learn strategies to grow my speaking business.  It’s always a special time of rejuvenation for me.

This year was “especially special.”  The NSA has a Youth Leadership Program for the at-least-10-year-old kids and grandkids of members, and my granddaughter Scarlett went with me.  Not only was it her first time to NSA, it was her first plane ride, her first trip to New York, her first time to Broadway (she does theatre herself), and first, first, first of so many other experiences.  I loved sharing those “first” experiences with her.  Her joy and wonder were contagious.

I’ve been thinking about how different it is to see things for the first time, and conversely, how much we miss when we become accustomed to our situations, the people in our lives, and our opportunities. 

I remember working with a bank on customer service a while back.  I took the management team outside the bank and had them imagine that they were a person walking in for the first time.  What was their first impression?  Could they tell where to go?  What did the faces of the service folks look like? 

What about your home?  When you kids or your spouse, roommates, or YOU walk in, what is the impact? Is the atmosphere one of welcome, comfort, and order – or does it make you want to turn and run the other way?

Imagine what your co-workers experience when they see you at points throughout the day.  Face it, you get used to yourself!  And you know your intentions.  (That’s how you judge yourself, but others react to you by your actions!)  See yourself with fresh eyes. 

In short, make it a practice to examine yourself and the environments you create by seeing all through fresh eyes – as if you were a person seeing everything for the first time.  What impressions are you creating?  Is this what you want to portray? 

If not, what do you need to change?

Dr. Bev Smallwood

Psychologist, Author of This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World

Annoying Relationsip Habits that Hold You Back

I just returned from the National Speakers Association in New York.  I make this annual pilgrimage for three big reasons in this order:  1)  to spend time with my speaker friends from across the U.S. and internationally,  sharing friendship and business ideas; 2)  to attend top-notch programs packed with concepts and strategies that help me become a more excellent speaker and grow my speaking business, and 3) to watch the best speakers in the business and observe and learn what makes them great.  All of that happened again for me in New York.

One of the speakers I enjoyed most was Marshall Goldstein, business guru executive coach, and author of, “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.”  (Love the title of that book; so true!) Allow me to share with you some of the key points he made.

Goldstein described four annoying habits that can hold you back.

1. Winning too much.

It is very hard for successful people to fail, even in little things.  How competitive are you?  Competition is fine in some arenas, but you can get into the habit of constant competition in both personal and work relationships.  For example, when your spouse or friend tells you about a hard day, your response is, “You think YOU had a hard day?”

2. Adding too much value

Someone comes to you with an idea.  Rather than affirming their idea and shutting up, you say, “That’s a nice idea.  It would be even better if you add this to it.”

3. “I already knew that”

When someone comes to you with a great idea, you give them the “duh” message, as if CERTAINLY you already had thought of that, and almost anyone would have.

4. Passing judgment

When someone does something wrong, you are quick to point it out, and you may reach a negative general conclusion about the person because of it.  One important goal for a leader is to help more and judge less.

New Study on Stress Sources - and Why Worry Only Makes It Worse!

The American Psychological Association just released the results of a new poll of 2500 people.  According toll, 66% of Americans feel the economy is stressing them significantly right now, 56% say that the cost of housing is worrying them, and another 48% are worried that their jobs may not be stable.

http://www.forbes.com/health/2008/06/11/health-economy-stress-forbeslife-cx_avd_0611health.html

When it comes to those factors in life that threaten security - the ability to support one's family and to provide for their basic needs - the fear cuts deeply. 

Yet, worrying about it does not change a thing - and it may cause you to be so preoccupied or depressed that you make mistakes on your job (which does not help your job security). Ultimately, worry can create health problems, which also has the unintended outcome of threatening your ability to bring home the money you and your family need to live.

So, what are you to do? 

1) Continue to work responsibly, doing all you can with all you have where you are right now.  (I talk more about this in Chapter 2 of This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me.)

2)Think creatively.  Sometimes being in a pinch causes you to explore avenues you wouldn't have gone down in calmer times.  You just might jar yourself out of some ruts and discover new sources of income - and fulfillment.

Yes, it's hard right now.  I groan when I go to the gas pump, pay my mortgage, and deal with unexpected expenses.  But I trust in God - and faithfully work.  I know that God will always make a way!

Dr. Bev Smallwood

Feeling Stressed? Go Outside!

A recent study at the University of Washington documented that being able to see actual nature reduces heart rate after a stressful task - much more than a digitally-produced nature scene. 

http://www.psycport.com/showArticle.cfm?xmlFile=krt%5F2008%5F06%5F11%5Fknihj%5F6291%2D0110%2DMED%2DNATURE%2ESE%2Exml&provider=The%20Seattle%20Times

Nature is free!!  Get on outside and enjoy it!

Share YOUR no-cost, low-cost stress relievers!

Bev Smallwood, Ph.D.

Will Hillary Self-Destruct?

It’s official.  Hillary Clinton’s dream of becoming President in 2008 has been dashed.  Once considered unbeatable because of a great fund-raising network, an experienced campaign team, a popular former President as a husband, and her own celebrity, Hillary is now facing the fact that she has suffered defeat in her bid to become the Democratic nominee for President of the

United States

.

This is not a political editorial; it’s an observation on the commonality of human experience. No matter what your political persuasion, you’d have to acknowledge that Senator Clinton has shown herself to be an incredibly focused and determined woman.  For such a person, the disappointment of failing to reach a treasured goal is a bitter pill.

After all, Hillary is human like all of us, subject to the truth that one day you can be on top of the world; the next day the world may be on top of you. The way this major let-down affects the rest of her life is solely dependent on her choices – deeply personal decisions that she may never talk about, but of which we will witness the evidence in her public life. 

Will she play the victim, complaining about how she was treated or projecting the blame for the defeat?  Or will she move on to whatever opportunities are next, taking full responsibility for doing all she can with what she has, where she is right now? 

Will Hillary allow the inevitable frustrations and anger to harden into bitterness, secretly looking for ways to even the score?  That choice would destroy her future.  As former U.S. Vice President Hubert Humphrey said, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”  The question is, will Hillary be able to let the hurts go, forgive when necessary, and be open to reconciliation and new partnerships?

Will this former Presidential candidate become depressed, sinking into the mire of despair and self-pity?  Or will she be honest enough to give herself permission to experience that most painful of healing processes, grief?

Some would say that Hillary’s future is now in Barack Obama’s hands, as the country wonders if he will he pick her as his Vice-Presidential running mate.  I say that those people are sadly misinformed.  No, Hillary’s future rests in her own hands.  No matter what office she holds or does not hold, her prognosis for truly thriving as time goes on is a very personal matter.  If she secretly falls prey to the negative and destructive choices, she dooms her success and her own genuine fulfillment.  This woman has already demonstrated amazing resilience.  If she exercises her ability to choose wisely – deep in her heart and mind where no one immediately sees - then no setback is permanent, no failure final. No matter what course her political career takes, this person will survive and thrive.

Each one of us faces those same decisions.  When, not if, adversity strikes, we can choose to live courageously, respectfully, and persistently.  William Ward said, “Adversity causes some to break; others to break records.”  Like Hillary Clinton, each of us must choose.

Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist, and author of “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World.”  Visit www.DrBevSmallwood.com.

 

The Emotional Aftermath of a Tornado

Killer tornadoes and other natural disasters have broken recent records in 2008. Following in second place to the year 1999, when The National Weather Service declared 669 tornadoes by mid May, this tornado season has produced 636 twisters as of May 11. If 2008 continues adding to the number of twisters produced, it could top the year 1950 with a record amount. According to USATODAY.com, that’s not the only record waiting to be broken this year.  Ninety-eight deaths have been credited to the twisters in 2008, making this year the deadliest since the 1998.

Who could ever predict the fear, physical destruction, and psychological turmoil brought by a destructive tornado?  The tornado passes.  Things are eerily quiet.  But like the physical chaos it leaves, the tornado also leaves emotional chaos in its wake.  Tornado survivors may feel powerless and out of control.  They may engage in self-blame, feeling that somehow they should have been able to prevent the injury, damage, or even death. They may become overly anxious, because this life event has shaken their assumptions about the safety of the world and the people in it. They can become depressed, feeling that their whole life is a mess and doubting that it could ever get better.

After the physical mess is cleaned up, the real emotional work begins.  Tornado survivors are faced with the ten choices I wrote about in "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me."  They may still be in that early shock, the denial that says, "No way did this happen to us."  Yet deal with reality they must.  Though they were victimized by this weather disaster, they don't have to adopt the mentality of a chronic victim - complaining more than they act, engaging in serious self-pity, and looking for someone else to fix the problem.  No, they have to be "responsible," doing all they can with all they have where they are right now.

My prayers are with them.

Dr. Bev Smallwood

www.DrBevSmallwood.com

Can You "Catch" Trauma?

A recently-released study on post-911 counselors/social workers demonstrated what many mental health professionals (including me) already know.  Indeed, trauma is contagious.  Listening empathically to the stories of survivors can produce secondary trauma symptoms in the listener.  My favorite term for this phenomenon is "compassion fatigue."

http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/healthday/080502/911-counselors-at-risk-for-secondary-trauma.htm

Would-be helpers of all kinds - friends, family members, certainly therapists, pastors, teachers - need to be aware that you don't emerge unscathed from hours and hours of listening to traumatic stories.  If you give a darn, you "feel with" the traumatized individual.  (Empathy can be both a blessing and a curse!) As a result of experiencing their pain, you can actually develop symptoms of PTSD or other anxiety disorders.  As the impact of the vicarious experiencing of horrific events grows, you may feel you have to protect yourself emotionally.  Quite understandably.  Yet, if you're not careful, you can harden yourself, become cynical, or avoid those you really care about.  You begin to lose yourself and the emotional talents which make you a wonderful helper. 

The message here is, helpers must not give, give, give until they are depleted and injured themselves. Helpers can minimize compassion fatigue by:

1.  learning to set boundaries, so that you have time and opportunity to rest and recuperate;

2.  varying your activities, not spending the lion's share of your time in intense conversations with traumatized people;

3.  taking care of yourself spiritually, physically, and emotionally;

4.  consulting with colleagues to get a perspective and to guard against the tendency to assume too much responsibility for the pain of others.

Helpers, taking care of yourself while taking care of others is one of the most unselfish things you can do.  After all, if you are to continue to be a compassionate giver, you have to be reasonably well yourself!

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Psychologist, Author, This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me! 

Taking Care of Yourself - Sometimes Difficult!

It's been a struggle this week, beginning with a sore throat Monday, escalating to laryngitis and the general "crud."  I finally relented from my determination to push ahead and cancelled all activities that called for voice Thursday, in anticipation of a speaking engagement on Friday.  I made it through that with an understandable voice, then all came back on me with a vengeance.  Last night was a tough night, and I can barely speak above a whisper today.  I'm trying to "be good" and recover today, as I don't want to miss the class I teach at church for women in recovery.  I don't want to let anyone down.

The week before was a very stressful one, with a three-day speaking trip and various crises at the office.  You know, the old body responds to such stress with a diminished capacity to fight off germs. 

I don't know about you, but it's very hard for me to stop and rest.  I feel such a responsibility for the people for whom I try to make a difference. I teach resilience, yet sometimes I break the rules myself - and I pay the price for it. The truth is, if we don't take care of ourselves, we will have nothing to give to others.

I was reflecting this morning on the 23rd Psalm - "He maketh me to lie down..."

Sometimes that's exactly what one should do - and that's the best thing I can accomplish today.

Do you have trouble "lying down?" 

Dr. Bev Smallwood