Remarkable Resilience

Eli's Startling Revelation

My youngest grandson, 6-year-old Eli, bragged to Amy, his mother, "i cleaned my room good, but Joseph and Ethan (his older brothers) did theirs in a hurry and didn't do it right.  I did mine right.  They did theirs wrong."

Amy answered, "That's good, Eli.  You chose to do yours right."

After a long, thoughtful pause, a startled look crossed this little face.  Incredulously, he answered, "You mean you get to CHOOSE?"

Of course, Amy took this as a teachable moment and gave him other examples.  She reminded him of when he'd come in crying and complaining because they had done something he didn't like.  She had told him then something like, "Don't let that bother you!"  "But I can't help it," he'd reply. 

But this day, it was as if, for the first time, it had hit the little fellow that he could choose his reactions.

"You mean you get to choose?"

Yes, yes, yes!!

Let that phrase echo in your spirit!

Those of us that are a lot older than 6 sometimes forget that simple, yet life-changing lesson!

Dr. Bev

Oklahoma City Survivors Remember, Using Symbol of Triumph

Can you believe it's been 13 years since the Oklahoma City bombing that left 168 dead? I can't.

http://newsok.com/article/3232592/1208660100

As I read the account of survivors and families of the dead pausing to remember, I was struck by a symbol of triumph these individuals used.  Each family was offered seedlings, each sprouted from the Survivor Tree, an American elm that survived the bombing. 

You know what?  That metaphor has power for each of us as we go through the difficulties of life.  While there may be many painful losses, contained within that experience are the seeds of new growth.  Yet, they won't grow unless they are planted.

I so admire the people I've worked with over the years who not only managed to deal with their own recovery from tragic events, they went a step further. They took those experiences, learned valuable lessons on resilience, then reached out to help others with compassion, grace, and wisdom.  They did not waste their suffering.  They planted the seeds their adversity had yielded to produce green growth in others as well as themselves.

William Ward said, "Adversity causes some people to break; others to break records."

Dr. Bev

Post-Traumatic Stress and Depression After War Service

Rand has just released a new independent study entitled, "The Invisible Wounds of War:  Psychological and Cognitive Injuries, Their Consequences, and Services to Assist Recovery."  They studied U.S. troops who have survived bombs and other traumatic aspects of active combat in Iraq or Afghanistan. They surveyed 1965 service members of all military branches, including those still in the military and those who have completed their service. 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080418/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/troops_mental_health

Here are a few of their findings: 

1.  Roughly 1 in 5 now suffers from major depression or post-traumatic stress (an estimated 300,000).

2. As many or more report possible brain injuries from explosions or other head wounds.

3.  Only about 1/2 of those with mental health problems have sought treatment. 

4.  Those who did not get help gave the following reasons:  worrying about the side effects of medications, believing family or friends could help them with the problem, or fearing that seeking treatment might damage their careers.

These findings are quite disturbing, especially when you add to these numbers the toll the injuries take on the families of our veterans. 

Col. Loree Sutton of the Pentagon said that the Rand study was a welcome addition to the work defense officials are already doing.  They are currently adding thousands more mental health professionals to address these wartime demands of military personnel and their families.

Whether your trauma occurred in the military or in a personal tragedy, PTSD can be treated.  However, it is best treated when treated early.  Don't let stigma keep you away from seeking the help of a mental health professional who is competent to work with you after traumatic life events.

For additional help with PTSD, read my book (see below), or do a search in the Articles Library of my website, www.DrBevSmallwood.com.

Dr. Bev Smallwood; Author, This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World

Does "Bitter" Lead One to God?

Much has been made of Obama's words about middle Americans being "bitter," which he says has led them to religion, among other things. Political persuasions aside, I respectfully disagree with Senator Obama's statement.  My observation has been that people who are bitter do not draw nearer to God.  Rather, bitterness produces cynicism, diminishes faith, and catches the person in a trap that leads anywhere but to a heart open to faith.  In fact, bitterness hardens the soul and poisons the spirit. What I've observed is that bitter people withdraw from intimate communication with God and with others.

One of the choices I wrote about in "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me" was Bitterness vs. Forgiveness.  You can read more about how to let go of bitterness there. But for now, allow me to remind you that bitterness is like acide; it eats the container that holds it.

Dr. Bev

Putting Out the Dirt

I went to one of many Little League games tonight, since I have three grandsons, all Little Leaguers.  I was sitting by the fence tonight, and I flashed back to something that happened last year. 

It was opening day of Little League.  It was a gorgeous, sunny Saturday…excited kids in uniforms of brilliant colors, the cleanest their outfits would be all year…little fellows proudly swaggering, certain that their teams would be the victors…each full of hope and confidence that  he would be the hero that hit that grand slam that took his team into the winner’s circle.

I sat spellbound by the action on the field.  Suddenly, something right in front of me attracted my attention.  Three boys, age fourish, were playing in the dirt in front of where I sat in my folding chair.  At first, they pushed trucks, tractors, and other makeshift toys through the loose, to-them-delightful brown soil. Then one got the idea to throw handfuls of the stuff through the wire and onto the field. 

Problem was, the wind was blowing in the opposite direction.  As they released each handful with glee, the breeze blew it back in the other direction – onto them and on into the crowd of onlookers. They seemed oblivious to the dirt’s travels, intent on scooping up their next handful.

I looked around to see if parents would make the necessary correction.  No sign of moving parents.  Their game continued, and the dirt continued to fly. After a couple of minutes, I eased over to the boys and said quietly, “Boys, I know you’re having a good time with that dirt, but it’s blowing back on people.  Let’s play with the dirt on the ground, OK?” They looked at me with faces that said, “Spoilsport!”  But they dutifully stopped, for about five minutes anyway. The dirt was just too tempting.  Little by little, the dirt game resumed. 

Then there was that fateful moment for the little guy with the sun-bleached hair.  He picked up a big handful of the loose dirt.  I saw him look at it for a moment, pondering his next move. I saw him bring it right up to his face.  And then…oh, no…he took a deep breath and blew it as hard as he could.  He sputtered, wiping his eyes.  Not the outcome he had anticipated or intended!

At that moment, I realized I had just witnessed a real-life demonstration of an important principle:  What you put out there has a way of coming back to you…and sometimes hitting you right in the face!  If you put out a negative, critical, judgmental attitude, that's what you tend to get back.

As with any principle, its application can be positive or negative.  For right now, let’s zero in on one negative example; having a critical and judgmental attitude.

Are you judgmental?

How do you react when you hear the gossip that someone is going through a problem?

·         Do you assume the worst about the person?

·         Do you smugly tell yourself that you would never do something like that?

·         Do you repeat the juicy news? 

·         Do you label and stereotype a person based on one life event or a limited sample of his/her behavior?

·         Do you either stay away or take it on yourself to give him or her a sermon of correction or I-told-you-so?

Or…

·         Do you withhold judgment, knowing first that you may not have heard the truth?

·         Do you remind yourself that, even if it’s true, you have no way of knowing all the circumstances; that you haven’t walked in the person’s moccasins?

·         Do you reach out to help, supporting the person even when you don’t support the behavior?

·         Do you keep your mouth closed, choosing not to add to the person’s pain by spreading rumors?

·         Do you remind yourself that you could be next…if not the same problem, another.

Unless you have the delusion that you will live this life perfectly, you will certainly pass through those times when you need others to be understanding, forgiving, and merciful. I do it often. 

With that in mind, remind yourself of the principle we saw in the flying dirt:  What you put out there has a way of coming back to you. Make a habit of judging and criticizing the faults of others, and when it’s your turn, you’ll be judged and criticized more harshly. If you want others to give you grace, give grace out on a regular basis. We’re blessed when we’re merciful, because we’ll get mercy back when we need it…and trust me, we will!

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Author, This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me

 

   

Skipping a Base Won't Get You Home

It's Little League season, and my grandsons are all "in the swing" of it.  The youngest is Eli, who is 6.  Last week, one little batter on the opposing team (who happened to be a cute, curly-haired blonde girl) kept running straight to second base from home after she hit.  Seemed like a great short cut to her, but what she hadn't yet learned was, you can't score if you don't touch all bases.

I couldn't help comparing this young player to some of our own antics.  I've certainly been guilty of taking what appeared to be good short cuts, thinking I could get by somehow without laying the essential strong foundation. Maybe you have, too? 

• Have you ever taken off on a brainstorm idea without doing your homework, only to be hit with unanticipated facts later? 
• As a manager, parent, or other leader - have you expected great performance before investing the time in sharing expectations or building skills?
• Have you closed your eyes to the details of your finacial life, assuming it would all somehow just come out OK?
• Has your relationship failed to thrive because you ignored the basics of communication, emotional intimacy, and respect?
• Have you jumped to the stage of criticizing someone without first having built a positive, encouraging relationship that makes the negative feedback palatable? 
• Have you gone on a diet without first assessing your current habits and making a realistic plan?

In short, have you unrealistically reached for success before you've adequately prepared for it? 

That little girl had all the enthusiasm in the world.  She wanted her team to win. However, she hadn't yet developed the knowledge and skill to make success happen.

Motivation is not enough, my friend.  Creative ideas are not enough.  And while smart people are good at working efficiently, there are just some short cuts you can't take.  You have to prepare, learn, know the fundamentals and do them. There are some bases you just must touch if you're going to score!

Viotainment: Girls Beats Up Teacher, Students Cheer, Capture on Cell Phone Video

The world had not caught its collective breath from the recent cheerleader beating on YouTube when this shocking new story emerged of a Maryland public school student beating up her teacher while classmates cheered her on and gleefully captured the beating on cell phone! The teacher is so traumatized, she is unable to return to the classroom or the school.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/

I believe that this alarming trend is the natural outgrowth of the desensitization kids have had to violence over the years (violent video games, song lyrics, and movies), coupled with a perverted means of fulfilling the adolescent desires for identity, power, and excitement.  Combined with the competition to ‘top this’ on social and national media, the ready means of reaching millions with your latest rendition - this trend could turn into a tragic epidemic.

It is essential that we respond to this sickening pastime with both legal consequences and preventive education.  Beating someone up is not the way to become somebody.  Knowing how to resolve conflicts, deal with your emotions, and rise above difficult circumstances is.  As parents and as schools, we have to do a better job of preparing our kids for life.  If the viotainment patterns continue, we will have a generation of sadistic, criminal adults - devoid of empathy and headed for destruction.

What do you think should be done about this disturbing phenomenon?

Dr. Bev

Mr. Ed: A Role Model for Optimism

I'll never forget a 92-year-old man who resided in the assisted living facility where my mother lived during her last years with Alzheimer's Disease. Mr. Ed couldn't walk, and he reportedly had numerous health problems.  But every day he scooted around that that place in his wheelchair.  Though his hands were too weak and knarled to use them to roll the wheels, he took tiny little shuffling "steps" with the twisted little feet that touched the ground in front of the chair.

You didn't have to look for him.  You could hear him. You knew he was making his way down the hall to the atrium when you heard the whistle - the melodious, cheery whistle that announced his approach and arrival. Always the whistle.

One day as he sat by us in the atrium, I asked him, "Mr. Ed, why are you always whistling?"

Without hesitation, he said in his shaky little voice, "Because, darlin', a whistle's what I've got left in me!"

Mr. Ed remained positive and optimistic - despite having lost his health, his independent living, and many of the other trappings which we assume produce happiness.  As he aged, he simply became more of who he was. 

I want to be like Mr. Ed when I grow up!

Dr. Bev, Author of "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me"

Better than Nothing?

The other day I was working with a team in a medical office on communication and problem-solving skills.  As an introductory session, we did a "survival" exercise.  The premise was that the group was on a ship that was sinking.  They had to quickly choose the supplies they needed to survive in the life rafts from a list.  They had to reach consensus on the order of importance of those supples.  Of course, in the heat of the discussion, all the ways they normally communicated (or not!) and solved problems (or not!) were clearly displayed. A very interesting and telling experience!

However, I'm not telling you about it in order to talk about communication or problem solving.  I heard something I've been thinking about ever since.  I want to share the insight for you to reflect on, too. 

One of the items in the array of possible supplies was a quart of rum.  The discussion of the merits of that item went something like this:

"That one should be high on the list.  We're definitely going to need it!" (Laughter all around)

"I don't think the rum is what we need.  (This or that) is more important."

"We may be without water, and rum is wet. It's better than nothing."

At the end of the exercise, the correct answers were read, which were the collective opinions of experienced mariners.  The rum was right at the bottom of the list.  Not only could it not be used as a replacement for water, it would actually dehydrate the drinkers, making it more likely that the stranded seagoers would "die of thirst."

I couldn't seem to get that off my mind.  How often do we engage in destructive habits to "meet our needs?" Maybe you literally reach for rum or one of its cousins to give you courage or escape.  Maybe it's a harmful relationship which you tell yourself is "better than nothing."  Or maybe your "need-meeter" is the abuse of food, sex, drugs...or even the more socially acceptable obsession with status and success.

Better than nothing?  Hardly, not when a substance or activity gives a  temporary "fix," yet "dehydrates" your soul and body over the long haul. Think about it.

Dr. Bev Smallwood, Author of "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World"

Stress Produces "Presenteeism" in the Workplace

A new study by the American Psychological Association points to the high cost of stress in the workplace.  Not only is absenteeism a problem - the more prominent problem is "presenteeism" - present in body, but absent in mind and spirit.  The result?  Low productivity, poor customer service, mistakes. 

Check out this article:  http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/03/30/MNP0VOGO3.DTL

We've seen similar positive results when we've worked with leaders and employees on developing resilience skills.  It's not a matter if IF you will have stress, it's WHEN - and HOW you deal with it.  It's not what happens to you, it's what happens in you that counts. 

What are your main sources of stress in the workplace?

Dr. Bev. Psychologist and Author, This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me:  10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World

Insights from Washington Redskins Quarterback Jason Campbell

I had the amazing privilege this weekend of being a member of the volunteer staff of the Quarterback Club, an annual leadership retreat my church sponsors for high school football players.  These young men are nominated by their coaches for participation based not just on their talent on the field, but on on their demonstrated power of influence.  Our goal is to invest in young people who ARE leaders (influencers), helping them to build the character and skills that will result in their being the right kind of role models for their teammates and peers.  The 44 guys who attended were active, enthusiastic participants and learners. I loved working with them.

The retreat kicked off Friday night with a program by Jason Campbell, quarterback for the Washington Redskins whose football career began in a small town near here. What an impressive man!  Tall, handsome, and kind.  In a profession where too often the news is an arrest or a termination of a contract (well-publicized by the media, of course), this man humbly donated his time to share with these kids, answer their questions patiently, and treat everyone there with the utmost respect. 

Jason told these boys that talent is not enough.  (It never is.) He talked about character, coachability, and perseverance.  (Very applicable in business, too.  We hire people for their technical skills; we fire them for their emotional skills.) 

Jason let these kids know that their choices today can affect their future.  Their eyes were wide when he told them that he learned after being drafted by the Redskins that they had gone back and interviewed his junior high, high school, and college coaches about his attitude, his work ethic, and his ability to work as a team member.  They even interviewed his first grade teacher!

Then he said something that I hope sticks with every young man forever.  When I did a class with them later in the weekend (on girls - that was interesting!) I asked them what he said about success, and they were able to quote it.  Great!

Here's how Jason Campbell summed up the success thing:

"I'm going to get married one day and have kids.  When I do, I don't want my kids to say, 'My dad's a superstar player.' I want them to say, 'My dad's a superstar man and a superstar dad.'"

A pretty good thought for the rest of us, too, Jason. Thanks for the reminder.

What do YOU think success is?   

Dr. Bev

Forgiveness

I received a letter the other day from someone who was struggling with something that we all get to experience at point in our lives - the struggle of anger, the temptation of bitterness, and the difficulty of forgiveness.  I hope that my response to her will also be helpful to you.

Dear Dr. Bev,

I’m having some trouble with this business of forgiveness.  I won’t go into the particulars because the person who did it reads this paper.  Let’s just say that she knew what she was doing, and she stabbed me in the back.  She’s given no evidence that she’s sorry, and she certainly hasn’t apologized. My pastor’s sermon last week was on forgiveness, and I know I haven’t.  In fact, I find myself more irritable these days about everything.  But it just doesn’t seem right to let her off the hook when she’s likely to do it again. What do you think about this?

Dr. Bev’s Response:

Yes, it’s a little easier to forgive when the person acknowledges that she did wrong and apologizes.  However, even without that, holding onto bitterness paralyzes you and keeps you from moving forward in your life.  You don’t forgive to let her off the hook; you forgive to free yourself. 

Maybe you’re having trouble with forgiveness because you have a mistaken idea of what forgiveness is and what it’s not.  Forgiveness is not sweeping it under the rug, excusing the person’s actions away.  Neither does forgiveness mean that you lie down like a doormat for people to clean their feet on.  Also, forgiveness is not necessarily a feeling; you may not immediately feel loving toward her, even if you’ve truly forgiven.  Forgiveness may not even mean that you can reconcile with the offending person at a personal level.  That depends on her reactions; if she isn’t willing to work on changing, you may have to protect yourself.

So what is forgiveness?  Forgiveness is a decision, a choice.  It’s a deeply personal and spiritual transaction in which you choose to let go of plans or fantasies of revenge and to release yourself from the burden of psychologically or physically evening the score.  Remember, if you’re always trying to get even, you’ll never get ahead. In other words, you let go of your right to hurt her for hurting you.  Even after that important decision, you my still have some emotional healing to do.  Some of the bad feelings may lift at the time of decision, but don’t be surprised if some linger for a while.  All the bad feelings don’t necessarily evaporate the moment you decide to forgive.

Does forgiveness mean you totally open yourself back up to this individual?  That depends on the other person.  If she is still doing more of the same and doesn’t show any desire to change, you may need to set and keep good boundaries to keep yourself from getting hurt again.  However, forgiveness means that you remain open to doing all that’s within your power to have a healthy relationship with the person.  If she is truly willing to work with you, then a forgiving person will choose to work on it too and give the relationship a chance to heal. (By the way, you must also be open to examining any ways you may have contributed to the problem.)

I want to leave you with a powerful thought expressed by Hubert Humphrey:  “Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”  Let the bitterness go, my friend!

Dr. Bev